Suitable Partner
by SleevedWhiteSnow
Summary: Ichigo is dating Rukia. Byakuya and Renji aren't happy. Their solution: find her a more sophisticated date from the world of the living.


Meet Byakuya Kuchiki – 28th head of the noble Kuchiki Clan and captain of the 6th division of the thirteen court guard squads. Standing next to him is his lieutenant, Renji Abarai. They have a problem.

Captain Kuchiki's sister, Rukia, is dating Ichigo Kurosaki, and they hate it.

"He's so uncivilised," Byakuya drawls. An image of the orange firework bursting into Central 46 Headquarters during a hearing pops up ("How the hell did he even manage to get _in_ there?!").

"And he's cranky all the time!" Renji adds. "Not to mention so damn impulsive." The next scene is of Ichigo recklessly rushing in to get his ass totally whipped by a menos in front of everyone.

"His lack of respect is disturbing." Can't the boy get it in that empty skull of his? It's _Captain_ Kuchiki. _Captain._

"Exactly! And I hate how he's always _around_ … and even when he's not around, he makes her all…all… _mushy!"_

They gag at the mental picture of him standing there with his arm draped over their beloved Rukia's shoulder while she laughs at something he's just said, his expression dull with that same permanent-

"And he always has that arrogant scowl on his face" (this annoys Captain Kuchiki the most – we all know _he_ would _never_ pull a face like that like that…).

So to fix the problem, Byakuya and Renji have decided to find Rukia a blind date from the world of the living – since she isn't set dating anyone in Soul Society (sorry Renji) and they can't have her spending all her time with Kurosaki during her shinigami duties in Karakura Town.

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"Sado Yasutora, is it?" Byakuya asks, staring at the teenager sitting in the interview chair opposite him.

"Yes. But you can call me Chad." His voice is low, and he sounds rather thick. Good thing he has that envious tan to accompany his muscles – envious on _human_ standards of course, like a shinigami would care about having a _tan._

"Okay then… Chad…" Byakuya clicks his pen. "What are your ambitions in life?"

"Hn…" Chad stares at a spider crawling across the wooden desk in front of him. "I haven't actually thought about that."

"What are your likes? Dislikes?"

"I like a lot of things… I don't particularly hate anything."

"And what are your intentions regarding my sister?"

"Rukia? …What about her?"

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"Keigo Asano! It's an honor to meet you!" The brunette youth bounces in his chair.

"That's nice," Renji drawls. "So tell us, what do you do in your free time?"

"I enjoy reading porn, watching women at the beach, comparing boob sizes and chasing down sexy girls to get them to go out with me!" the boy replies in a much-too-loud-to-be-socially-acceptable voice.

Byakuya gapes at him, his face even paler than usual.

"Oh! And speaking of sexy, your sister is absolutely _gorgeous!_ Not so much as far as boobs go, but the rest of her is just…" Keigo lets out a low whistle. "DAAA-UNG!"

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"Excuse me for asking, but aren't you friends with Kurosaki?"

"Me and the idiot sometimes hang out, if that's what you mean."

Renji slams his fist on the desk, effectively making a crack in it. "I like him!"

Byakuya ignores him, glaring at the blonde. "You look oddly familiar…"

The boy smirks.

"No way!" Renji exclaims with incredulity.

The boy's smirk widens.

"Captain _Shinji Hirako?!_ Shit, man! What the hell happened to your _hair?!"_

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"And what do you do for a living?"

"You mean you haven't heard of me?! This might freshen your memories!" Don Kanonji leaps out of his chair and throws his hands across his chest. "BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Um… no."

Byakuya's temple bulges threateningly. _What the hell does this fool think he's doing?_ "Could you please sit down?" he says all but politely.

Don's mouth forms an 'O' and he straightens his glasses, falling back in his chair.

 _"Enlighten_ us." Renji continues. "What do you do?"

"Oh, I understand now. You guys don't get tv in the spirit world. My bad. I'm the New Century's Premier Spiritualist and host of Casual Soul Realm Assault Trip-"

"Right. And that's why you," Byakuya suppresses a gag, "dress like that?" He will not have his Rukia dating a moron with _this_ sort of fashion sense.

"Yeah, made it myself. Gotta look good for the fans, you know? And the spirits of course, they're attracted to my charm, yo! BWAHAHA-"

"SIT DOWN, DAMMIT!"

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"What the hell are _you?"_

"My name's Kon. I'm a mod-soul ."

"Seriously?" Renji bursts into laughter. "A modsoul in the form of a stuffed kitten?"

Kon jumps to his feet in defiance. "I'm a _lion_ actually! Can't you see my mane?!" His little arms flail up and down by his sides comically. "But I can be anything Rukia wants me to be!"

"Do you know my sister well?"

"Oh yeah, she and I go way back. Kind, fair, beautiful Rukia… She sometimes even lets me sleep in her closet with her!"

"Rukia sleeps in a _closet?!"_ the shinigami echo in unison.

"Yup. It's like paradise resting between those pillows!"

Renji grips the desk for support.

"So uh, this is a little off topic, but… do you think you guys could get me a better body?"

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"And what are your hobbies?"

"I like archery."

"Come again?"

Uryuu Ishida pushes his glasses further up his nose. "I. Like. Archery." he sighs, annoyed at being told to repeat himself.

Byakuya scribbles on his notes. "Still targets, I presume?"

"No, I prefer moving ones actually."

"And what kind would that be?"

"Hollows." Uryuu shrugs. "Sometimes soul reapers. But Rukia and I usually get along."

There is a short pause.

"Are you a quincy?"

"Yes. I'm a member of the Wandenreich and also Yhwach's most-"

"Get out."

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"What are _you_ doing here?"

Kisuke Urahara flips his fan. "Captain Kuchiki… It's been a while since I've seen you. Thought I'd pop in for a visit while you're here."

"Right. Well you're wasting our time, so take your visit elsewhere!"

 _"Renji-"_

"Things aren't going so well, huh? You haven't managed to find Rukia a date yet?"

"That doesn't concern you, Urahara."

"Of course, of course. I'm just a humble, handsome bachelor and merchant after all. Though if you ask me, she seems perfectly happy with Ichigo-"

"NEXT!"

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"Well? Are you going to ask me any questions or not?"

Byakuya and Renji exchange confused looks, then resume their gaping at the red-haired teenager in front of them.

"This is an interview for a date with Rukia Kuchiki."

Chizuru Honsho rolls her eyes. "I'm aware of that."

"I see… well, uh…"

"Is there a problem?" she asks.

"My sister doesn't swing that way."

"Oh yeah? Well… well she's nothing on Orihime!" She storms out of the room.

The shinigami are left blinking at the empty space after her.

"Swing, Captain?"

 _"What?_ It's a human term."

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"And you are…?" Renji asks for what feels like the hundredth time, boredom now evident in his voice.

"Mizuiro Kojima. Pleased to meet you, Mr Kuchiki, Mr Abarai."

"At least this one has _respect,"_ Byakuya mutters to his lieutenant. "So, Mizuiro, what do you look for in a woman?"

"Well, I like cougars."

"Cougars?"

"Yeah. _Older_ women."

"And why would that be?"

"Cause they're the most mature and experienced."

"Experienced…?" Renji repeats, dazed.

"In bed, you know?" Mizuiro smirks. "So is it true that Rukia is actually really old, Mr Kuchiki?"

"Respect, my ass-"

"Shut it, Renji."

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"Aren't you a little young, son?"

"What?!" Jinta Hanakiri's face turns the shade of his hair. "No! I'm a proud employee of Mr Urahara's shop!" He swings his legs violently under the desk – they don't quite touch the floor.

"Look kid, there's no way Rukia would want to date a little shrimp like y- oww!"

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"Your name?"

"Kensei Muguruma-"

"No more ex-captains, dammit! _NEXT!"_

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"Oh great, not another one."

"I'm sorry, but what exactly are you talking about, Mr Abarai?"

"Rukia doesn't swirl that way-"

 _"Swing,"_ Byakuya corrects.

Orihime Inoue's eyes widen in confusion for a moment. "Ohhhhh! I know that! Neither do I!" She lets out a nervous laugh, waving her arms wildly for emphasis.

Byakuya's eyebrow twitches. "So what are you doing here then? Didn't you read the sign?"

"Oh, how rude of me, I'm so sorry! My name's Orihime Inoue. I've just come to say that Rukia's a good friend and classmate of mine, and I wanted to wish her all the best."

"Classmate? Are you a friend of Kurosaki as well?"

"Oh yes. Ichigo is amazing! He's handsome and kind and although he scowls a lot, underneath he's a really sweet guy! He always knows how to cheer people up and he's really, really strong and brave and protective and caring and…"

"You know, Captain… compared to these other morons, I think she might actually be right-"

The lieutenant stops under Byakuya's glare.

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 _"Ichigo?"_ Renji asks, completely dumfounded. What the hell is _he_ doing here?

The boy in question adjusts his tie, causing Byakuya to cease his note-taking in shock. Ichigo Kurosaki _isn't scowling_. And he's wearing a _suit!_

"Yeah. I came here to," he gulps, "apologise, for being such a hardcase earlier, but…" His expression hardens. "Rukia loves me, and I love her. We're connected, and I know it, she's the one. So after I graduate, I'm going to ask her to marry me. I came here get your approval, since you're clan is one of the most noble and out of respect for that, I… well… I wouldn't have it any other way. If you gave us your blessing, then…"

"Ichigo…" Byakuya starts, a never-before-seen expression on his face. "Thank heavens Rukia found someone _normal_ like _you!"_

He grasps the boy's hand and shakes it enthusiastically (which is the equivalent of an "I love you" coming from the captain).

"Of course you have our approval! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!"

Renji follows suit, almost tearing Ichigo's arm off with both hands.

The orange-haired youth struts out of the room, beaming. Once the door is fully shut behind him, he turns to the group of interviewees huddled in the hallway.

"Thanks for your help guys."

Shinji rolls his eyes. "Whatever, idiot, just give us the money."

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 **Thanks for reading. Leave a review/criticism if you have the time :)**


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